Developing Listening Skills

One of my favourite books this year, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy.

Essentially it argues that, as a society, we have lost the ability to listen to one another and that’s bad for relationships, politics and pretty much everything. I admit I am still a work in progress when it comes to listening, but I am optimistic that it’s a skill that can be developed with practice. Our coaching programs with students aim to provide a model of good listening.

I’ve highlighted a few key points from the book below:

• In a 2018 survey of 20,000 Americans, almost half said they did not have meaningful in-person social interactions, such as having an extended conversation with a friend, daily. About the same proportion said they often felt lonely and left out even when others were around. Compare that to the 1980s when similar studies found only 20% said they felt that way.
• The UK was moved in 2018 to appoint a Minister for Loneliness to help its 9 million citizens who often or always feel lonely.
• Those in Generation Z, the first generation raised on screens, are the most likely to feel lonely and self-report that they are in worse health than other generations, including the elderly. The number of school-age children and adolescents hospitalised for suicidal thoughts or attempts has more than doubled since 2008. Much has been written about how teenagers today are less likely to date, hang out with friends, get a driver’s licence, or even leave home without their parents.
• If your child jumps into the car after soccer practice and says, ‘I hate it. I’m never going back. I quit.’ This always strikes a nerve with parents who are likely to respond with, ‘You can’t quit. Where’s your team spirit?’ or ‘Oh my God, what happened? I’m going to call the coach!’ or ‘Are you hungry? Let’s go eat. You’ll feel better.’ None of that is listening. Grilling them about what happened is interrogating. Telling them they shouldn’t feel how they feel is minimising. And changing the subject is just maddening. Kids, like all of us, just want to be heard. Try instead, ‘Have you always felt this way?’ or ‘What would quitting mean?’
• A number of studies over the past 15 years showed families eating together and sharing stories led to lower rates of substance abuse, teen pregnancy, and depression while improving kids’ vocabularies grade point averages, resilience, and self-esteem.
• Digital distraction keeps the mind occupied but does little to nurture it, much less cultivate depth of feeling, which requires the resonance of another’s voice within our very bones and psyches. To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative.
• It’s striking that high schools and colleges have debate teams and courses in rhetoric and persuasion but seldom, if ever, classes or activities that teach careful listening.