Consent

Knowing about and being able to talk about consent is vital for young people to have genuine relationships of all kinds. They need to be able to talk about sex, gender and intimacy, both in the public sphere where it can be really difficult to ask questions and privately within their own relationships.

Talking about consent

We know that having conversations about sex with young people is not always easy. Ultimately, we know that having good information around relationships and acceptable boundaries leads to better understanding, and more equal, meaningful, respectful relationships. We need to spend time on this because we know that good relationships are central to wellbeing and a good life.

We need to empower our young people to make good decisions in relationships with others. The reality is that getting consent wrong can result in terrible outcomes; in addition to the person who has been hurt, it can cause shame, confusion, social ostracism, resulting in ongoing impacts on reputation, and in some cases, serious legal repercussions.

As the consequences can be so serious, we need to talk to our young people.

What is consent?

Sexual consent is a free, voluntary and informed agreement between people to participate in a sexual act. This agreement is only present when these people mutually and genuinely feel they want to engage in that sexual act and actively make sure their partner does too (Consent Can’t Wait, Commonwealth of Australia, Department of Human Services, 2023).

Victoria has recently made amendments to The Crimes Act and adopted an affirmative consent model to sexual offences. Affirmative consent means if someone wants to engage in a sexual act with another person, they must take steps to actively gain consent, rather than rely on the other person to give their consent. This means if a sexual assault is alleged, the burden of proof of consent is the responsibility of the alleged perpetrator, not the alleged victim survivor.

In addition, the amendments also strengthen the laws against image-based abuse, which involves taking intimate photos without a person’s consent or threatening to distribute images without consent. They also make ‘stealthing’ a crime (pretending to wear a condom or removing a condom during sex).

Simply put, sexual consent is a mutual agreement to engage in sexual activity.

Consent must be:

• Free and voluntary: Consent is only present when all parties freely and genuinely want to engage in the same sexual activity.
• Clear and informed: You cannot assume the other person has consented. It is also important that parties are in agreement about the use of condoms and contraception.
• Active and communicated: People can communicate consent by verbally asking for consent, physical gestures like nodding, or reciprocal gestures like removing each other’s clothes.
• Ongoing and mutual: The understanding of consent must be continuous. If, for example, someone says yes to one act, that doesn’t mean they consent to everything. You can withdraw consent at any time.
• Able and capable: People are deemed unable to consent it they are under the age of consent (16 years in Victoria); heavily affected by drugs or alcohol; or unconscious.

(Consent Can’t Wait, Commonwealth of Australia (Department of Human Services) 2023)

Young people and pornography

A total of 73% of teenagers have seen online pornography and 59% of these said they watched pornography once a week or more. Of these, more than half first viewed pornography ‘accidentally’ (Commonsense Media 2023).

Young males are more likely than females to deliberately seek out pornography and to do so frequently.

Pornography use can shape sexual practices and is associated with unsafe sexual health practices such as not using condoms and unsafe anal and vaginal sex. It may strengthen attitudes supportive of sexual violence and violence against women and can reinforce gender stereotypes. It can be addictive.

We need to help young people create a more positive narrative – the internet cannot be the sole place they learn about sex and relationships.

What we teach – a snapshot

An understanding of consent begins with children learning ways to keep themselves safe – commonly termed protective behaviours. This involves helping students recognise when they don’t feel safe (physically and emotionally) and exploring what they can do to feel safe again.

In the early years, the focus is on body safety and, more specifically, an understanding of personal boundaries, body awareness and ownership. Children learn about safe and unsafe touch, personal space, safe and unsafe secrets and assertiveness skills. The focus is also on developing a safety network, that is a group of adults (chosen by the child), who can provide them with support, assistance and, if necessary, protection.

Secondary School boys learn about Respectful Relationships within the Positive Masculinity (+M) curriculum, to promote positive relationships built on mutual respect, empathy and kindness.

Within the Respectful Relationships unit, boys learn vocabulary to give them the language to talk about sex and relationships. They learn about understanding sexual behaviour, including what healthy relationships look like, recognising and understanding the law in relation to consent (including the age of consent) as well as how to get help or ask questions. They also look at sexting and other technologies and how they relate to consent. As they progress through the Secondary School, they explore different scenarios in a safe and age-appropriate way.

Tips for parents

Plan for the conversation: What do you want to say? How will you say it? It is important to focus on the key message and not to get sidetracked by judgment or emotion.

Right place, right time: There is no point in having conversations when you or your child are distracted, emotional or tired.

Ask questions: Ask questions and try to understand their perspective. Try to approach conversations with empathy, not judgement.

Be honest and transparent: Answer their questions as truthfully as you can. If you don’t know the answer, make an effort to find out.

Educate yourself: Social mores and values may have shifted from when you were a teenager. The laws certainly have shifted. The more you know, the easier it will be to have good conversations.

Take advantage of incidental opportunities:  There are often incidents in the media or in films that lend themselves to discussions about consent, sex and relationships. You don’t need to have all the answers, but these are opportunities to normalise conversations.

As the Harvard report states, ‘these conversations often don’t need to be painfully awkward, deliberate, face-to-face conversations. There are countless opportunities to address these issues more informally’ (Wesissbond et al, 2017).

Common barriers

Understanding the common barriers to talking about consent and being aware of their impact can help you have more positive conversations.

We feel embarrassed: Intergenerational conversations about sex can be uncomfortable.  Being able to use neutral, non-judgemental terminology can be helpful, as can being clear about what you want to talk about. Your child will take his cues from you. Try to normalise conversations about sex.

We don’t think they are old enough: We may feel our children are too young or they don’t seem interested in sex, so we delay talking to them about consent. We need to make sure our children have information so they can be prepared when they need it. Additionally, there is emerging research suggesting that young people are accessing pornography at younger ages (the average age is 13). If our children are being exposed to pornography, it is important they have a framework to help them understand that the sex depicted in pornography is often violent, non-consensual and not necessarily appropriate for real life.

We don’t understand that boys can be victims of sexual assault: While more women experience sexual harassment and assault (approximately 85% of victims are women and girls), boys and men make up 15% of assault victims. There is also a concerning report from Sexual Health Victoria which found that 21% of boys are engaging in sex when they do not really want to; this rises to about 45% of females and 55% of transgender people who are engaging in unwanted sex.

We don’t understand that sexual assault may happen in many different contexts: Harassment and sexual assault are not limited to intimate relationships.

What to talk about

In the early years:

• Use the correct labelling for body parts. When we use different or coded words, it can cause confusion and make it seem that there is something secretive about our bodies.
• Reinforce the idea of body ownership: every individual has control over his or her body.
• A simple action here is to underline that ‘no means no’. If your child asks you to stop tickling them, then model that.
• Talk to your child about the importance of ‘telling’ and that different levels of access to him are okay. For instance, a hug from mum or dad is different to a hug from a stranger.

In the upper primary/lower secondary years:

• In these years, it is possible to talk about permission, consent and coercion. You can talk about physical boundaries, but also personal boundaries.
• You can talk about gender roles and responsibilities. This is important as a lack of understanding of diversity of roles and responsibilities can lead to misconceptions about consent (in that men are dominant for instance).
• In films, where objectification occurs, talk openly with your son about the way in which the characters are portrayed and what that means.

In the middle to later secondary years:

• Talk about power dynamics in relationships and what a healthy relationship looks like.
• Check in with your son about the content he has covered at school.
• Discuss the role of alcohol (and drugs) and the potential effect this can have on the understanding of boundaries and giving, as well as providing, consent.

Talking to our young people about consent is about more than protecting them against legal repercussions. It is about teaching them how to have healthy, respectful relationships and safe, enjoyable sexual relationships throughout their lives.

How you can help

In the early years:

• Use the correct labelling for body parts. When we use different or coded words, it can cause confusion and make it seem as though there is something secretive about our bodies.
• Reinforce the idea of body ownership: every individual has control over his or her body
• A simple action is to underline that ‘no means no.’ If your child asks you to stop tickling them, model that.
• Talk to your child about the importance of ‘telling’ and that different levels of access are okay. For instance, a hug from mum or dad is different to that of a stranger.

In the upper primary/lower secondary years:

• In these years, it is possible to talk about permission, consent and coercion. You can talk about physical boundaries, but also personal boundaries.
• You can talk about gender roles and responsibilities. This is important as a lack of understanding of diversity of roles and responsibilities can lead to misconceptions about consent (for example, that men are dominant).
• In films, where objectification occurs, talk openly with your child about the way in which the characters are portrayed and what that means

Middle to later secondary years

• Talk about power dynamics in relationships and what a healthy relationship looks like
• Check in with your child about the content they have covered at school
• Discuss the role of alcohol (and drugs) and the potential effect this can have on the understanding of boundaries and giving, as well as providing, consent.

 As the Harvard report states, ‘these conversations often don’t need to be painfully awkward, deliberate, face-face conversations. There are countless opportunities to address these issue more informally’ (Wesissbond et al, 2017).  

For further information

• Kids Helpline provides free and private counselling to young people up to age 25. You can talk to them about anything that’s affecting you at any time, day or night on 1800 55 1800.
• Consent Can’t Wait is a Federal Government Initiative that promotes healthy sexual relationships and consent among young people.
• Reach Out provides online resources for both young people and parents.
• SECASA – South Eastern Centre Against Sexual Assault 9928 8741 or visit website www.secasa.org.au
• Sexual Health Victoria is an organisation that provides sexual healthcare (safe sex) services and advice.
• Youth Law Australia is a good site for ‘plain English’ information about the law.
• School psychologists

References

Commission for Children and Young People, Teach your child how to keep themselves safe www.ccyp.vic.gov.au  Accessed 2021.

Commonwealth of Australia (Department of Human Services), Consent Can’t Wait (2023)

How to teach your teenager about consent (2021). Reachout.com
https://parents. au.reachout.com/common-concerns/everyday-issues/things-to-try-talking-about-sex/how-to-teach-your-teenager-about-consent  Accessed 2021.

What is consent? (2021). Kidshelpline. https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/what-consent. Accessed 2021.

Toddlers and early elementary kids (2018) Heathline.com. https://www.healthline. com/health/parenting/consent-at-every-age#toddlers-and-early-elementary. Accessed 2021.

Kuhn D, Nash SC, Brucken L (1978) Sex role concepts of two- and three-year-olds. Child Dev.

Signorella ML, Bigler RS, Liben LS. (1993) Developmental differences in children’s gender schemata about others: a meta-analytic review. Dev. Rev.

Victoria Legal Aid, Sex, Young People and the Law (2023)

Widman L, Choukas-Bradley S, Noar SM, Nesi J, Garrett K. (2015) Parent-adolescent sexual communication and adolescent safer sex behaviour: a meta-analysis. JAMA Paediatrics.

Weissbourd R, Ross Anderson T, Cashin A, McIntyre J (2017) The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment Harvard University Graduate School of Education. Harvard University Press.